Who is up for a bit of controversy? Alright then, let’s talk about sex. Sorry girls I am going to let the cat out of the bag. A thousand apologies, but I for one have had enough and I think I deserve more.
Sex that is. I still love sex, in all it’s forms. And I am angry. White hot, distracting and consuming angry. Men, how often do you complain that you are not getting enough sex? And how often do you blame it on us? News flash, the reason you are not getting laid is because of you.
I will always be a girl. No matter how many years we have been together, how many kids there are, no matter how much your job sucks. I. Am. Still. A. Girl. I reckon you men have been around girls for long enough now to know a thing or two about us. We need loving. We have rights. Sex is not just about you.
If you are not getting laid fellas, it is because you suck at laying. Stunned silence. Really? Who’s fault did you think it was? When you are lazy it is no fun for us. Seriously. Not only that, but sex generally ends with us being totally pissed off. The type of pissed off that requires all our energy to not stab you. Why would we want to go through that all the time?
At first we shrug it off. Poor baby, he works hard to provide for us. He is just not feeling well. Real life is no 50 Shades. So what if I missed out this time, it can’t always be about me. Have I put on weight? Have I annoyed him somehow? Is he sleeping with someone else? Am I a nag? Ah, that’s it, I am just not a nice enough person.
Yet when you get up in the morning, I bet there is milk in the fridge, coffee to start your day right, clean clothes, food for lunch, dinner planned, kids packed up for school, beer in the fridge, no mould in the shower, toilet paper on the roll. What the hell, why don’t I mow the lawn, clean the car, vacumn the pool while I am at it? Oh, you have stories to tell about your day at work, please, let me sit down and listen to them. That’s terrible honey, I can’t believe he spoke to you like that.
Did I do those things when we first met? You bet I did. Am I still doing them? You bet I am. You romanced me when we first met. Are you still doing that? Ha! Information about how women are wired has been around for a really, really long time. And now we have this funny little thing called the ‘internet’. Apparently it is easier than ever to get hold of information now. You type in the question you want answered in the same little space you use to find out sports scores. Weird huh?
I will always be a girl. May I take this opportunity to remind you that is one of the things you most like about me? I did not choose for women to require some effort to warm up in the bedroom. But guess what? That’s the way it is. Deal with it. It is not sexy when you come siddling over to my side of the bed and I know damn well you are going to trot out the standard cursory two moves, get your end in and be snoring in five minutes time.
We joke about is God a man or a woman. I have decided that sex is proof God is a man and not just any man, one with a sick sense of humor. Why else would our sexual capabilities never match up? Finally, here we are with time and energy on our hands and men go soft. All those dreams about passion and sexiness that sustained us through our child rearing days go out the window.
Do men go to the doctor about their softness? Oh no, let’s pretend it is not happening and make our sexual encounters even more disappointing. Before you know it, all that tension and disappointment happens at the beginning and by the time we have overcome that the whole thing is over.
Honey, I don’t get up to go to the toilet after. I go to the bathroom and cry. Disappointed and frustrated that once again I have just allowed you to prove how little you care about me and my needs. Gutted that I feel so unattractive and insignificant. Angry, that despite the apparent equalling of rights between men and women, I am still worth nothing in the bedroom.
How do you tell someone they need to lift their game, and other things, in the bedroom? Women have spent their whole lives being told that a man’s identity and sense of worth is closely linked with his sexual prowess. The idea of causing that much pain to someone I love is abhorrent. I miss being all liquid and sexy. I miss the intamacy, there are not enough words to describe my loneliness and sadness. I miss my man.
Suck it up fellas and do something about your technique.